Xbox 360, You Retarded Piece of S%*T

One man’s anguish over the tragedy that is the Xbox360.

This piece is guest-posted by Simon Woo

Come Saturday, I will be replacing my unmodded, play-original-games-only, followed-all-the-care-tips, used-only-to-game Xbox360 for the 2nd time within the span of 16 months. Thank God for extended warranties, but if i keep that piece of insolent garbage any longer i will surely be replacing it again.

The first time i brought it back was for the infamous 3RL (“Three Red Lights”) error, better known as the “Red Ring of Death”. Thanks to the extended warranty i paid for at EBGames, i had the luxury of having them replace it in-store with an equally dubious, older, refurbished (read: probably resurrected from death by 3RL) Xbox360. Wow, without that extended warranty i might have had to wait 2 weeks for M$ to replace my console with an an equally dubious, older, refurbished (read: probably resurrected from death by 3RL) Xbox360.

It is now 5 months after, between which I’ve:

1. purchased an extra cooling fan to prevent heating. thanks assholes! as if the console itself wasn’t noisy enough, now it sounds like a chainsaw with tuberculosis!

2. moved the console to a more ventilated area. great, now the entertainment unit looks cluttered with that white eyesore outside a shelf

3. ONLY used it for gaming. perfect! forget the fact that the unit can now play DivX in hi-def, you wouldn’t want to risk heating by leaving the thing on for more than 2 hours watching porn… errr Discovery Channel, do you? geez, it’s like having Maiko Yuki naked and horny at home, except you can only watch her bone someone else.

4. never played more than 3 hours at a time on it. okay, this is just tragic.

5. ONLY played games that scored 8 or higher on IGN or Gamespot. i was playing Army of Two when i was hit by 3RL, so i’m thinking the console isn’t just incompetent; it also hates homoerotic subtext and mediocre games. *sigh* and here i was planning to play Beowulf…
Despite all the measures i’ve taken to prevent any further mishap, imagine my surprise when my prudence was rewarded… by the also-infamous “Unplayable Disc” error. from what I’ve read from despairing Xbox fanboys, this is a result of shoddy design that makes it possible for the spindle to be magnetized and de-aligned.

Seriously, Micro$oft?! not only did you give us a console with crappy heatsinking, you also managed to top it off with a junky optical drive?! what’s next, the control pad electrocutes me when i keep it too close TO MY BALLS?!! it feels like every console is possessed by a Fail Demon, checking every few days to see “hmmm… would we like to fuck up today? how about… now?”

i seriously would like to see how M$ plans to usher in the new console generation after such a terrible product. I’ve owned cheap-ass DVD players from Taiwan that played scratchy pirated movies much longer than this piece of junk; and you were selling these units at a loss?!

i swear, the moment i get that replacement console, i’m trading it in for a PS3. Sony’s fanboy army may be a nation of retarded fail monkeys, but at least their console doesn’t break down unpredictably like a psycho ex-girlfriend. I refuse to put up with this shit any longer, and I’m really not surprised that the PS3 is now overtaking Xbox360 in sales. i fucking swear, Xbox360 goes up on eBay the moment i get my replacement.

…as soon as i finish Gears of War 2. CURSE YOU XBOX 360!!!

Writer’s Note: No, sliding paper inside the drive DOES NOT SOLVE the “Unplayable Disc” error. Trust me, the cake is a lie.

Contributed by Simon Woo

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About ViolentDream

Has got a LEGENDARY case of Tourette's when he's driving and has an ASTONISHING obsession with getting a new pair of hiking shoes each week (though he AMAZINGLY can't afford to do that). He MASTERFULLY thinks his physique can improve once he just stops SPECTACULARLY daydreaming about it. He's also known to be able to break your concentration FANTASTICALLY. ViolentDream has had INCREDIBLY diverse experiences - from journalistic writing, graphic design, editorial cartooning, CAD and 3D design and animation, product and project management. He's now UNCANNILY busy catching up with video-gaming, action figure modding, and the Mixed Martial Arts scene. Oh, and he's really not into comics. Bah.
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